In a last-ditch effort to salvage his ill-conceived Middle East policy, Bush announced in this evening's State of the Union address that he will deploy 20,000 brand-new iPhones to Iraq.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs responded, "We believe the iPhone will help bridge the Sunni-Shia divide. This tool will allow them to Bluetooth messages of peace and shared brotherhood when fighting in the streets. And they'll be pleased with the low price point of 49.99 dinars."